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EMPLOYED

**Originally written last October 7, 2004. Very rough draft.**
This is it. I am officially employed. It seems that the long wait to get to the point of 'employed' has actually worn me of my excitement but I am still looking forward to today. I look forward to starting each day with plans which are besides eating, sleeping, watching tv, going to interviews, updating companies and all those things that I did when I was unemployed. I think I have had my fill of being a bum and am now ready to face new challenges.

Ok, technichally, I have been 'employed' before but I don't think that one can consider being with a company for five days as actually real employment. And so, I consider being an OA in Cgrp, as my first ever position in the working world.

AFTER HOURS

Malling is now considered a recreation here. A lot of malls have been put up in strategic locations across the country, making the experience more accessible to all. In Metro Manila alone, there must be more than two dozens of them, sprouting near business districts and city centers. And not all our malls may be posh and attractive--some in dire need of rehabilitation, but just the same, people go to them.

I used to go to malls, maybe twice a month. But ever since my sister started working in a restaurant inside a mall, I have been going more frequently and staying for longer periods of time. This week alone, I was there twice and stayed for at least three hours each time. And before I started working, I used to hang out there the whole day from opening to closing time. This was a chance for me to see some of the 'behind the scenes', if you will, in mall operations. In the morning, employees come in, in their regular clothes, change for work and go to their respective stores. Come 10 or 11 when the mall opens its doors, the shoppers come in. You see people shopping, eating, talking with friends and family and doing all sorts of activities that the mall has to offer. This goes on until around 8-9 in the evening when shops start closing.

I used to think that when the mall's doors are closed, then everything inside closes as well. No one's there besides some security personnel. But that's not what happens. When most of the lights go out, escalators stop moving, shops are closed and all the manequins covered, the workers come in. These are the people who work during the evening and even until the wee hours of the morning just to make sure that the banner or streamer is placed well, that the decorations are put in time, that the repairs in each establishment be done well, that the place is fumed to rid the place of any pests. And when we come in the next day, everything is nice, clean and in order. There is no indication that other people have been there all night, working on these things.

Last night, while I was inside a mall until almost midnight, I saw the workers put up decorations for Christmas, set up a stage for the activity the next day, fix the lights in a store and all other things, and I remembered my philosophy teacher telling this story of how he interviewed one of the workers who put up one of the first malls in Manila. This was an ordinary worker, paid minimum wage and asked to do all the heavy work, be it day or night. The worker was reflecting on how he put up all his efforts in helping to build this mall when he could never step into one or bring his children there during the weekends simply because he cannot afford to. I realized that perhaps, many of us, myself included, take for granted all the things we are used to doing and especially the things we don't see other people do for us.

I am not saying that malls are evil and they should be closed down. I know that they also serve a purpose. But perhaps, when we go the mall, or any other establishment for that matter, it would be nice if once in awhile, to think of all the people working day and night just to make our lives easier and better. Because inside a mall or any establishment, all the action happens, after hours.

ON MY FUTURE CAREER

I may be working in a corporate setting right now but the experience I've had more than a week ago certainly opened things up (in terms of perspective and not job opportunities!).

About a month ago, my friend, Van asked me if I could model for one of the fashion shows her school has set up for its students. I was hesitant at first, seeing that I have gained a lot of weight and therefore would not be fit for the fashion show. But then, at that time, I wasn't doing anything as well and decided to say yes.

After the 'Yes, I will do it!', I 'tried' dieting to lose all those unwanted pounds. It was so hard because I didn't have the self-control to avoid fatty foods like cakes, ice cream, cheeses and the like and actually ended up gaining a bit weight in the process.

One week to the fashion show and I was still my old size (you should have seen me, 2nd year high school). I decided to crash diet to lose at least five pounds. I made sure I ate right (meaning puny servings), cut down on the chocolates and sweets and drank lots of water to flush out unwanted elements in my body. Actually, I even made a counter in my notebook as to how much was my water intake for that day.

Come the night before the fashion show, we had our rehearsals. It was also the night I realized, actually affirmed, that I should have tried harder in dieting. Almost all of the others were super thin, I looked like I was modeling for plus-size wear (!). But that's besides the point already; the focus on that night was the fact that I didn't know 'model walk'. I knew that you had to walk in a straight line and project while pausing but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So after the three-hour rehearsal, I went home and practised my walk. And I even practised hours before the show.

My modelling experience opened my eyes to the fact that whatever you do, it really takes a lot of determination and committment to do things well and excel. If you think that models just walk, they don't. A lot of factors are involved and you really have to work hard. Ramp time can be three minutes--tops, but the preparation takes a lot longer and that is where you see the dedication of each person.

I thank Van for this opportunity. I also thank my family, Cokelover and Sofia for being there and supporting me. :)

I NOW KNOW WHAT I DON'T WANT MY CHILDREN TO BE

After an hour's tutorial session with a six-year old, I have figured what I don't want the children I'll bear in the future to be:

1. I don't want my children to be disrespectful of other people, strangers and most especially me.
2. I understand that kids will want to have their own way but I don't want my children to act all bratty once I tell them that they have to finish something first.
3. I don't want my children not having the manners and the decency to properly answer the simple questions asked them, i.e., when they're asked if they study in a particular school, they don't answer 'maybe' but with a yes or a no.
4. I don't want my children not being able to look at whoever is speaking to them and just stare somewhere else blankly and reason that the tutor is in the blackboard or wherever else in the room she is not in anyway.
5. I don't want my children not realizing that playing with their saliva--making it foam and bubble and believing that it's amusing is plainly discourteous and actually utterly gross especially when around a stranger they've just met for the first time. (that was just the yuckiest thing ever!!!)
6. I don't want my children not being obedient enough to follow a tutor's request to read a line or a word, i.e., they don't start reading it as gibberish and reason that it was not them who actually wrote that so how should they know it?
7. I don't want my children not being liked and actually being despised after just an hour's tutorial session because they were ABSOLUTE BRATS.

Note: After that hell-ish one-hour session, I was told by Behind's people to be patient and that they hope that the one session I've gone through won't be the reason for to me quit.

A PLEASANT SURPRISE

I have always hated computers and they always seem to hate me more. For a number of times already, I would use one and somehow end up screwing the whole system. And it happened again today. As I was just about to start researching about one of the companies I am applying to, the computer suddenly (I don't remember pushing any buttons that might have triggered such) decided to restart. After that, it went blank. I wanted to keep my cool and tried out another computer in the house. No luck--why was I not surprised?

I decided I had to go to one of those internet cafes to finish my sort of assignment which is due tomorrrow morning. I asked my brother if he could bring me there but he just HAD to watch a basketball game and won't be able to do so. I asked my dad but he won't be home until late. I can't drive as well because my dad took the only car I am allowed to drive. I asked my sister if she could pick me up and was told that her meeting starts in an hour, which actually gives her enough time to pick me up and go to her meeting, but she apparently CAN'T. I didn't really want to ask other people if I could use their computers because I know I will take a really long time. So the next option was to take the nearest transportation available which will be able to take me an internet cafe.

I opted for the LRT Line 2, which could take me to Katipunan, where you can find internet shops. I walked for about 5 minutes from my house to reach the line, all the while grumbling about sun damage and the pollution. After buying my ticket, I climbed the stairs to the platform. I didn't wait long for the train to come and was inside a car in no time. Once inside, I looked for a seat, which was no longer available. As I decided to just stand beside a post, a guy stands up and offers his seat (chivalry does still exist!). Taken aback, I don't think I was able to thank the person properly. But I know this, that's good karma for you, whoever you are.

PART-TIME, ON-CALL

I am now officially a part-time, on-call tutor. After two exams, an interview and a demo wherein I had to 'tutor' one of their tutors, Behind, a learning center based in Quezon City, accepted me. Everything I went through was all right except for the demo thing which really made me nervous. And it was noticeable, I am sure of that--I was told that I looked stiff. But after a while, my nerves began to relax and I was getting into the whole tutoring thing.

I am glad that I got in because I want a part-time job alongside a full-time one--something that I don't think I will be able to do once I get older. It's not that heavy anyway, since I will only be called when there's a need for a tutor during weekends and that's not exactly constant. I am excited in teaching kids, although, I am afraid of dealing with the brats. I was told during the interview that Behind wants to go beyond imparting knowledge to their students; they want their tutors to be able to inculcate the right values and attitude as well--something which might prove difficult to do with brats. But that's ok, I hope I do good.

TRIP STORIES (a first of several posts)

For a person, who has lived most her life in a busy city, going around Ilocos Norte was certainly a refreshing experience. Life seemed to have taken a slower pace, space or the lack of it (as in Manila) is the least of one’s concerns and things just seem much simpler. To add to that, I was told that people from the province actually look younger than their city counterparts because the air there is fresher, people have fewer worries and since these two factors can greatly affect your overall appearance, college students can look like they just entered high school. As a person who has been told (persistently by one person) that I look twice my real age, I am considering relocation. (haha:), not now, but maybe in the future)

The whole trip was a different and super fun experience. The 8-10 hour drive to our destination became 12 because we made several stops to take photographs. We stopped by the side of the highway, where you’re only allowed to stop during emergencies and took some shots of the flooded fields. We took shots of the lahar in Pampanga. We also dropped by a beach somewhere in Ilocos Sur. Actually, it was more of trespassing than dropping by because we went to a private beach front property being converted into a sort of resort. Good thing the people working there didn’t mind us. And lastly, as we were reaching Batac, Sofia, who took the plane, (which only takes less than an hour!) informed us that she was flying with THE Imelda Marcos. Not for passing photo-ops, Levi and I decided to go to Laoag International Airport to see the legend. (fyi, Laoag is north of Batac) Unfortunately, she already left when we arrived.

We then went back to Batac for dinner. By this time, we were already with some of the representatives from the Mariano Marcos State University (MMSU). We had empanadas, which is a specialty in Ilocos. It’s basically an orange colored rice flour cake filled with grated green papaya, mashed mongo, whole egg, and longganisa, which is deep fried until crispy. They’re sold in little stalls, which we were told would stay open until 3 am or until there are customers. I liked the empanada because it was crunchy outside and soft inside but I think it lacked flavor. It also needed more salt and maybe they can also have a spicy variant. But all in all, it was ok.

After dinner, we went to the university campus. That was around 9 pm already and it was basically dark everywhere you looked. We didn’t really know what to expect of accommodations and were surprised when we went in the university guest house where we would be staying. It was this big house they called the Mansion. It had four rooms and an inexplicably large living room filled with 70’s furniture. It was the house that time forgot.

When I saw the room where we would be staying, the first things I noticed were the creepy large wooden closets with mirrors (tukador in Filipino). It was really scary because I kept imagining that someone would just come out of it and frighten me to death. Or a ghost/monster would suddenly stare at you when you look at those large mirrors. Actually, the whole house was creepy, especially during the first night. And for a person who easily gets scared and who gets jump-y and shriek-y when so, it was all to Levi and Sofia’s delight every time they tried scaring me, because I would really get all worked up.

The funny part about the house is wondering about its history. We were thinking that it used to be one of the former President Marcos’ abodes, which was donated to the university. We were even thinking that the four rooms could only mean that they lived there. Room 1, which was the largest of all rooms, would be where Ferdinand and Imelda stayed and the rest of the rooms were for the children. Much to our disappointment, we were told that it really was a university guest house from the start.

More about the trip in the next days…:) and will upload photos soon.

TRIP

I am on my way to Batac--it's way up north, 477 kilometers from Manila, to be exact and it takes around 8-10 hours to get there. The main reason for the trip is to accompany Sofia as she gives a seminar regarding debating to students from the Mariano Marcos State University. I have mixed feelings about this trip, actually, but the predominant one is that of excitement. But before I go to that, I must say that I am a bit apprehensive to go because of the whole unemployment thing. I feel guilty because here I am, taking a vacation while my future still seems uncertain. But the feeling of excitement overrules the apprehension and guilt. I am quite excited as this is a welcome break from everything that has been going on in my life. I realize that people could scorn me, just by saying that and may even ask me from where could I possibly be taking a break from--my own father did. Once again, the Queen of Doing Nothing gets an acknowledgement of her existence.

But I am not going to let that dampen my high spirits. Not today. Today, I will be taking photographs which, I haven't done in a long time now, go around one of the provinces that I have been long meaning to visit and not care about dieting because I heard the food there is great.

WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT!

For almost a month now, I have been pursuing a marketing career in RRG, one of the leading retailers in the Philippines. So far, so good--the job description is something I'm interested in, the location is excellent and although the compensation is so-so, I still want the job. Until today.

I have just learned that I am accepted for the job. BUT, for 13K. Grrreat!!! It's most especially annoying because this was not the discussed rate during my final interview. And, I have just found out that through 'deliberations', it was agreed that they could not give me the amount discussed, the compensation I believe I deserve as I work myself to death (And I already gave them the lowest point in my salary range). As I talked to the marketing manager, I felt that the tone she was giving me was 'Take it or leave it'.

And so I decide: I am not stupid to believe that that is the compensation that I deserve. I can't see how your company's stupid enough to think that you can get the right people with your compensation rates. Further, who would want to work in a company that does not have one word???

But I have to be polite: Thank you for the opportunity and for your time. I really like the job and I believe that I will be able to perform. However, I feel that compensation is not enough. Therefore, I have to decline your offer.

CRASH, BOOM, BANG

A souvenir, I'd like to see it as. A symbol of humility, I feel my parents would like to think of it (although, they didn't see me take it). The piece of plastic above is a remnant of a crash that happened around noon yesterday, which I had caused.

After three months or so of 'practice driving', I hit a PARKED car. Yes, and it was my brother's car at that. As bad as the situation seems to be, I think this event is a charge to experience (no pun intended) leading to a realization that hit me (again npi! :)) and is one of the events that made me see things in a different light.

As this blog has been mostly an avenue for my rantings in the past two months, I believe that it would be an understatement to say that I think things have not been going well in my life. Or maybe (as I am beginning to think), that's just all in my head. Perhaps, the recent events won't be as bad as I think they are, if I stop thinking in a negative way. In fact, I would have put a sarcastic 'Things Just Keep On Getting Better' bit when I was to write about the crash. But then, another thing happened before yesterday ended that made me turn the negativity around altogether.

Last night, I think I had a culmination of all the negative thinking about my life (well, at least for the next 5 or so months, hopefully) through an anxiety attack. It was weird actually, and something I have never experienced before. I was with my parents, outside our house talking to some relatives when suddenly, I felt a bit dizzy. I thought nothing of it at first. But when my vision started to blur and darken, I knew something was wrong. By the time I excused myself to sit down, my pulse had quickened and I already had a hard time breathing. I grew cold and somebody said that I looked paler than usual. But after a while, my heartbeat went back to normal, my color came back and I began to feel better already. It may not have been the dramatic, 'My life flashed before me' scene, but I think something about me changed. Well, physically, I am still my weak self but inside me, I feel an unexplainable renewed strength.

The car hit, the loss of a relationship, being unemployed, being rejected, the fear of being left behind and the uncertainty of it all--everything, leading to my anxiety attack and to my realization. As weird as it sounds, I don't remember feeling this much better in a really long time, despite the things that have been happening. I guess, I just needed something to wake me up and make me see things in a positive light.

ODE TO MY FAVORITE COMPANY

&

Running & waiting
for your rejection.
Gaining & losing
my patience in the process.
Nothing & everything
went through my mind.

I called & you hardly ever answered.
I asked & you never gave me anything real I could hold on to.
I would have begged & still, you wouldn't have cared.

Waiting & running
the steep hill.
Losing & gaining
myself in the process.
Everything & nothing
will keep me from trying harder.

YOU WAIT & SEE...

AFTER 2 MONTHS, YOU GIVE ME THIS CRAP?

I am numb right now. I just checked my mail without expecting anything and I receive this CRAP:

Thank you for your interest in exploring a career in MY FAVORITE COMPANY. We enjoyed speaking with you and having the opportunity to learn more about your background and experiences.

We have made a sincere effort to carefully assess your qualifications and career objectives with our current openings. We have concluded with regret that we are unable to offer you an employment opportunity with our Company, despite your admittedly fine qualifications.

This decision was not an easy one to make. We see many fine candidates with excellent qualifications, and are forced to make extremely fine distinctions between them.

Again, we sincerely appreciate your interest in our Company and the opportunity to speak with further.

We wish you success in your career search.

Very truly yours,
VDD
Corporate Recruitment Manager

My thoughts on this will come later as I am unable to think right now.

THANKS, THANKS!

I would like to acknowledge Levi for the wonderful design of my blog. It really reflects my personality! :)

POST BIRTHDAY DEPRESSION

I do not remember myself being THIS sad and depressed ever. And the worst part is, I cannot really pinpoint the reason for this depression. Is it the fact that I am still unemployed six months after graduation? Is it the fact that the occurences of my parents and I agreeing on things are actually rare nowadays? Is it the fact that my boyfriend broke up with me two months ago? Is it because, at 22, I still do not know what to do with my life? Is it because I do not know where I am going? Is it...? Is it...? Is it...?

Seems like I have all the reasons to be depressed but I just can't pinpoint which of them holds the most bearing. Someone save me...

22

This girl’s turned twenty-two today.

THE PUZZLING MYSTERY OF JOB HUNTING

It has been almost six months since I graduated. I still remember that last day I spent in school. I was happy, excited and just a bit scared of what’s going to happen next. I looked forward to having a vacation in Europe with friends. I looked forward to finding a job that suited me most. I looked forward to having time in my hands to do the things I have been meaning to do.

Nowadays, I am only confused and distraught and sometimes, hopeful. I am having a really difficult time looking for a job. I feel that my efforts do not bear anything significant and this period has been most disappointing. I have been combing the streets of business districts again and again in search for companies I could pass my resumes to. I am online most days, looking for any potential job postings. I have been to quite a number of interviews and exams that cover just about the same things. I have taken exactly the same aptitude exams in several companies. I have been offered, what seemed at first, exciting and interesting jobs that turn out to be just the opposite. I have had my hopes up with several jobs that just take too long to process. I have been placed as second priority in some jobs that I wanted. I have been rejected, a couple of times, by companies that I had hoped to work for. And of course, I have settled for a job that I thought was best for me only to resign after a week.

People seem to offer differing opinions about job hunting. Some say that it is only normal to wait long before getting a job while others say that I should have a job by now. This puzzling mystery of job hunting is just boggling my mind. Am I too picky? For a fresh graduate, do I ask for too much? Do I set impossible standards?

And it does not help to have a family who only pretends to understand what you are going through. They say that it’s hard, and tell me not to give up. But do they really understand how hard it is when they have branded me as ‘The Queen of Doing Nothing’?

This morning, I read Levi’s entry of his frustrations in looking for a job. I feel the same and I wonder if there are more of us lost out there.

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

Joel and Clementine are characters we see in our daily lives. The world is filled with couples with stories to share, experiences to reminisce about and lessons to learn from. If we think about it, theirs is a story that we see happening to people we know--two people meet, fall in love and stay together as long as they can handle each other. Sometimes, things work out fine and the two people share a lifetime together. There are also those many unfortunate times when the best thing for a couple to do is to just separate, temporarily or permanently. And this is good. For it is in the duration of the separation wherein we realize the merits and problematic areas of the relationship without being coiled in the emotions. After which, we realize how the person is important to us or how it is just best to live separate lives.

What I find good in the movie is the message that when a relationship falls apart, and when all things are said and done, all you have to do is accept that fact. Heartbreak is never easy to take even for the toughest person in the world. But the only way to get over it is to accept it. There is no method, no regiment and no ritual to make things easier to handle. However you try to erase that person in your mind, it will never happen. The time you’ve shared together, whether it be long or short has already been imprinted in your mind and no amount of brainwashing or alterations can erase that fact because it is always come back and manifest itself in different ways. There will always be signs, which will somehow lead you that person and the memories. The connection you have made was there, is there and will always be there. You can’t make it go away.

A lot of people rave about how this movie was simply brilliant in all aspects. I absolutely agree. But what got to me was that message.

WHEN YOU’RE ASKED TO WAIT FOR 2 ½ HOURS

As I start a new part in my life, which involves my employment, I’ve made a promise to myself that I will never be late for anything again. An experience early on made me realize that coming in late creates a very negative impression on your employer. (duh! but still, I didn’t know better one time and was terribly thirty minutes late for an interview) From that time on, I became extra careful in scheduling in that I would always anticipate traffic and other sort of things that may happen on the way to an appointment.

Today, I had a ten ‘o clock appointment for a computer exam in Makati. I allotted an hour of travel time, which, I realize right now, is not enough for a Monday morning. So when we were near the building, I went out of the car and ran (in my three inch heels!) for it. Ok, I admit, I was ten minutes late (all the while I was running, I could only imagine the people already taking the exam while I barge in). But then, when I arrived at the office, nothing was happening yet. Relieved, I joined the other applicants to wait. The people I was with were actually friendly; we conversed for a while. An hour passes by and I wonder what was keeping the HR personnel from letting us take the exam. Fifteen minutes passes by and I am getting more pissed by the minute. I approached the receptionist and asked what the delay was all about and if we were even pushing through with the examination. She told that there just were too many people to process and if I could just wait. I went back to my seat and did as I was told.

Approaching twelve ‘o clock, one of the HR personnel came to me and asked me to come back at one thirty. I think I gave her a look that said: ‘You must be kidding me!’ One of the applicants I was with requested if she could take the test during lunch break and I agreed to do that as well, granted, I was given time to get something to eat first. The HR personnel gave their approval and I was able to take the test two and a half hours after scheduled time.

Being a constant latecomer in the past (as I have been seriously changing my ways), I understand that sometimes, you just cannot keep track of the time. But my point is this, as professionals, they should know better about scheduling. If you want to line up people for interviews, you do not ask ALL of them to come at the same time. You have to allot a certain time to each person or if you want, give the time to at most three persons so that when one person is late, the other can go first. Further, they were the ones who told me to come at that time. They dictated that to me and I agreed. I didn’t reschedule or anything which would have been more understandable if ever there were any delays. I really like that company and I never expected this from them. I just hope that when I get in there, I’ll be able to change that irritating and wasteful procedure of theirs.

I AM STRONGER THAN I THINK I AM

I have been depressed the past couple of days. I am appalled by the situation I am in right now. I thought this would not happen again, at least not for a long time. Looking for a job and starting all over again is just so difficult. I begin to wonder where all my efforts actually went or are going. There are some prospects as of this moment, but nothing definite yet.

This was not how I imagined things to be after graduation. I always thought that after having rested from a three-month vacation wherein I would also be looking for a job, I would be snagged by some prestigious company offering a job that I really liked and who is willing to match my compensation requirement by June of this year. But that did not happen. And when I thought I had a good job already by mid-July, the scum had to show up and ruin things. I guess it was all wishful thinking.

But then again, maybe not. In one of my talks with my boss, he told me, life is a marathon. It doesn’t matter who gets the head start, what matters most is who will finish first. Perhaps, I am the one without the job now but with the right attitude, determination and effort, I hope I’ll be the one to reach the finish line first.